Saturday, August 9, 2008

loosing your identity?

Assalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

I was just wondering how many of the sisters feel that once they're married they totally end up becoming a different person.

You start to become what your husband wants, and give up all that you like.
The sad part is that your husband wil not change himself to what you like, but will make you what he wants.

Just wondering how may sisters feel like that and how do you deal with it?

12 comments:

Habayeb said...

amazing post! i was having a chat wid a close frnd of mine and she kinda had opinions on the same line as ur question but on inter racial marriages.....yep i kinda do feel we women tend to change much after gettin married and i feel changes are bound to happen in ur attitudes and some ways that u used to previously look at things but again those kinda changes shud be incorporated from hubby as well dont ya think? i mean wats the kind of relationship in which only the WIFE shud make changes? Plus i dont believe in giving up all that i like for someone. i mean after all he's marrying the "ME".

RUBA said...

I'm not married but this is one of the reasons why marriage freaks me out!
the idea of becoming one and wanting to do things to please your husband suffocates me....
I guess one must find that balance..

UmmAbdullah said...

I think I would change, only if I feel that the change would be for the better. I don't think I would change only for my husband!

But I'm still unmarried, maybe the case would be different when it actually insha'Allah happens?

Moon said...

Jazakallah all for your comments :)

Habayeb I agree with you, and from my experience i know that we naturally change to please our husbands, and if you're blessed with a good husband he'll do the same for you.
And the husband should marry you for who "You" really are.

Ruba welcome sis :)

UmmAbdullah thanks for your comment!

*~Ange~* said...

i didnt really change. but i found myself letting go of a lot of things. and at first its so painful to have to give give give away things you love and love to do, especially when you know they wont change.

Moon said...

so true Ange! Thanks for the comment.

Yasmin said...

Lovely post. When I married my husband, I felt that I changed for the better. Before I met him, I wasn't praying, didn't read Qur'an, barely covered but that changed after I met him. I became stronger in my deen. I did sacrifice alot of myself but it was for the greater good. It was something that I needed to get closer to Allah SWT. Yea my husband could be stubborn at times but he does listen if there's something that he does hurts me or I don't like. It's really all about compromise, which sometimes is hard in Muslim marriages because a lot of the men think they have complete control over their wives. We do have to be obedient to our husbands but not if it goes against Allah SWT. And one last thing, I don't think you can ever change a man into what you want him to be. He has to be willing to change himself and you don't have to change who you are to please him. He should look to the good in you and you should look into the good in him and cover each others faults for if you cover the faults of another muslim, Allah SWT will cover you faults on the day of judgement.

Umm Yusuf said...

Personally the only changes I found within myself were positive ones. I think we helped to bring out the best in one another, helping each other to be better worshippers of Allah and followers of His commands. I don't see that either of us changed anything within our personality or lost ourselves. This is really a scary aspect of marriage though and I pray sisters don't have to lose themselves and adopt a totally different personality for their husbands sake. This isn't what marriage is. It's accepting one another for who they are and helping them to become a better person. I think the only thing marriage should change is your tolerance for others different beliefs and your level of patience.. because these are crucial in having a healthy marriage... because of course not everything will be roses in a relationship, as much as we would love for it to be!

Moon said...

assalaamu alaikum Yasmin and Umm Yusuf. Jazakallah for your comments.
I also pray also that no one has to loose their identity like i did. Ameen summameen

Umm Ibrahim said...

Assalaamu alaikum,

I have been married 15 years and have definitely changed over the years... is that marriage or just me growing and changing though? As someone mentioned marriage is about give and take and having tolerance and I think husband and wife will both change to some extent.

Alixianna said...

Moon, you husband sounds like he was not the good man Allah SWT intended for you to have, for a good one will only force you to give up your bad habits, and get annoyed by your cute but annoying ones on occasion;D. The people who love us are always the ones who know us completely and like us anyway: D

My, myself, I am a VERY easy person to be friends with, but very difficult to live with. Everything admirable comes from my stubbornness, but also alot of plain bad habits. For my husband, I think he had to change more for me, and sometimes struggles with thoughts of losing himself, so I have had to learn to let him have more control of things without fighting about it. I am a designing type of person, but so is he, so the next place we move to, insha'Allah I will let him decorate maybe, because it is such a small thing in the larger picture of getting the privellage to live with the man: D The right one is still out there for you (smiles). God willing, of course.

Moon said...

Assalaamu alaikum

Jazakallah all for the insight, and some really good advice.

Alix plz make duaa i find the right person, a truly good muslim and a good husband...
Btw i'm also quite stubborn but gave up so much to my marriage and my husband. Changed myself to suit his needs. At least i came out of it knowing that i really tried to make it work, and didn't leave any stone unturned, go tif effort to make my marriage work. If he truly loved me he would've met me half way.
But i guess allah knows best.