Sunday, December 21, 2008

Odd proposals

Assalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu,

Today i'll be ranting a bit. I've been gettin some odd proposals from guys who're already married and have kids, and when i ask them why they're considering taking a second wife, none of them seems to give me a straight answer, instead they just change the topic and or walk off.

I know i'm 30 and divorced. But does that mean i qualify only to be a second wife. Those that are single won't even consider me. I'm really upset...
Am i being unrealistic?

Have any of you been thru the same? And
On what conditions would you agree to be a second wife?

14 comments:

Umm Travis said...

I think most men generally want a second wife because they - ahem - "need" it... LOL thats my opinion. Men need more than 1 hahaha! but no way will he tell u that.

I was married right after I converted, then divorced. Humdullah my husband now didnt see that as a problem, but it all depends who/what etc... like here in Egypt, it is a big no-no to be divorced, the women are "disgraced" and pretty much no one will marry her. So her best bet, is if she is relgious, another religious man would see that, and marry her for deen. But not the average egyptian, you know?

It depends on the culture you in/nationality and all those things... as to how easy it is to marry when you are divorced.

As for being a second wife - you have to look at if you can handle it, thats all. A secret (well not now) is that the man I married post-converting had a wife, and divorced me cuz she created so much problem for him, and he couldnt handle it. Alhumdullah - Allah knows best. So anyway - I personally think there are some really great blessings in being a second wife/ or having ur hubby married... but ONLY IF HE IS REALLY RELIGIOUS. And thats my humble opinion on the matter ;)

o0UmmHasan0o said...

salam, first visit to your blog, and its very nice. So i added you to my blog roll and now follow your blog yay!!

About the second wife rant... listen sis i was very nearly thirty and divorced when i got remarried after becoming muslim, i felt the same as you and did also consider accepting a proposal of becoming a second wife, but i hung on and in the end i met a great bro, so it can work out, so keep going sis and the right one will come your way insha'Allah, but its true what Umm Travis says, about the stigma of being divorced they always blame the women! its the same cultural idea in Iraq. It is mostly the religious brothers that get past the cultural idea.

In becoming a second wife, you will have to consider a few things, like can you handle time apart, the fact he will have another partner etc...

Just like we always say Allah SWT will not give us more than we can bare..

love ya
Umm Hasan

*~Ange~* said...

umm travis - i know what you mean about the egyptian thing.
they have a stupid mentality when it comes to certain things - marriage being one of them.
some even wont marry a divorced because they think its like "someone eating off their plate". its gross and disgusting, considering the prophet married divorced women with no problems. they seem to forget that.

me personally - there is no way i could handle another wife. i think as the 2nd wife you would face so much trouble from the first wife because for her you will be taking over her territory, know what i mean?

i know its halal and all - but for me there is no way i would do it.
i couldnt handle sharing my husband and wouldnt want to.

*~Ange~* said...

and there are great single (even divorced) men out there who have no problems marrying previously married women. you just gotta wave away the greedy men and find the good ones.

and why do these men want another wife anyway? is it because their first wife cant have children, or is terminally ill, etc?

usually its not - its usually because they get greedy and want someone else in the bed - which isnt a good enough reason to marry again in my books.

Moon said...

Assalaamu alaikum,

Jazakallah all for your valuable opinions and support, i don't know if i could share my husband it's quite a difficult task. I've been reading a blog about a lady who's a third wife, she writes about her experiences. Thanks to her i've come to accept this aspect of islam, but i guess i need courage to go thru something like that.
Her blog address is www.3rdlady.blogspot.com

Umm Travis i know just what u mean, some 'need' more than one. I call it manufacturing fault :D .Allah just made some men that way.
UmmHasan, welcome, i've been reading your blog for few days, but haven't commented yet, i posted ao item and was reading Ange's post, and saw u had a similar post :)

Ange, thanks for dropping by. Love your posts. Esp the Hojabi one. Hope it gets to the of the young girls, inshallah, and they improve their ways.

Uni said...

Assalamualaikum

In Pakistan, the situation is not very different. Only a little worse. If you're 30, and not married, there is a 99% probability you will be approached by men nearing 45, married, unmarried or divorced.

It's this bad.

All this has come about because we have forgotten what Islam preaches, and how the Holy Prophet (pbuh) lived his life. All we see right now is the perfect image of a perfect (figure, face etc) woman on TV.... and visualize all real women to be like that

When it is apparent, that nobody can be like that. It's terrible. I can only assure you, that it is okay to want a single husband... and it is your right to choose whoever you want (not the other way round).

If we do istikhara and ask Allah for Guidance, our paths become easier to choose :) Insha Allah the right on will come along and you will adjust InshaAllah..

May Allah Bless you with a real happy life.

Duaz
Unaiza
Pakistan

Habayeb said...

ahh, its not only an egyptian thing...its like almost in every culture...even in India..its like even if ur 26 and not married people start talkin abt WHY ur not married and its like they pity u coz ur like an expired carton of Milk.

And no i dont think any sis whose 30 just qualifies to be a 2nd wife...but yeah i hate the thinking of society these days. As others said it, do istikhaara and know that Allah will always guide u to the best.

Uni said...

And think of Hazrat Khadija .. (May Allah be Pleased with her). She was 40 when she had the most perfect of life partners and spent a happy 25 years as his wife !!

25 years...!

SO IF we follow these golden examples, we might have this perfect a marriage, at ANY age of our life.

Hence, never never lose hope sister :) May Allah Bless you and grant you happiness both in this world and the next, Ameen.

Take care!

Moon said...

Jazakallah Uni and HEbayeb. I'll do istikhara, and so true uni, we often forget the greatest examples set to us by our beloved Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him

excuse the typos plz, my mobile is a bit funny, and does funny things

Moon said...

And Ameen summAmeen to your duaa not only for me but also for other sisters out there going thru same thing as me.

Malika said...

I think if Allah asked you to become a second wife for the right reasons that it could work. You would have to be the type of woman who did not get angry with the other wives and your husband would have to love you equally.

As an American Muslim woman and I do not think this is a situation I will ever have to deal with. It would be a very unique situation if I was ever approched to be second wife...I would have to make sure that it was for the right reason. (Of course, I would have to living in the Middle East.)

You may not think you can do something like this...but you never know what can happen when you are doing something for the right reasons.

You should not have to feel like you only qualify for marriage as a second wife...wait it out...Your life is in Allah's hands...not your own! I will pray for you that you will meet nice single Muslim man who is very dreamy for you...MassahAllah

hijabee said...

I know I wouldn't be able to handle a second wife or being in a polygamous marriage. This is due to my own personal shortcomings and my jealous nature! Some can handle it, some can't. I don't think polygamy is for everyone. As far as marriage and being 30, no that is so not the only option you have. One of my best friends got married 2 days ago after being divorced for 8 years, she is 36 now and she married a brother who never got married before! So, see you gotta keep your options open, what Allah's written for you will happen eventually!

Mina said...

Just ignore them...Inshallah what Allah has decreeded will happen:)

Lol its kinda true what Umm Travis said bout some of them juz "need it"

I could never handle it, I juz couldnt, as I know some can...Some brothers take the piss coz they see its ok to have a second wife but use it so wrongly but Inshallah Allah will question them regarding all their spouses its a huge responsability...

Moon said...

Assalaamu alaikum,

Malika, Hijaabee, and Mina jazakallah for your encouragement.
I've decided to wait it out, lets see what happens... Allahu Alim.

Hugs to you all :)